Katy Perry

Teenage Dream (Capitol Records)



Katy Perry doesn't need me to like her. She has a whole record company with the money to buy people to say nice things about her. She's marketable, so hip with her blue hair and sexy girl next door looks; so controversial. I mean she did "Kiss A Girl" or whatever. Oh, how shocking. Oh golly gee, she's so naughty.

So I'm not going to say nice things about her because her music, to put it bluntly, makes me gag.

Now, that's just mean. I'm sure I can find a few nice things to say about her latest album, the highly anticipated (really?) Teenage Dream. Um, yeah.

I've never been a fan of pop music. It has its place for dancing, out clubbing where the bass is bumping and intoxicated people could care less about what the singer is saying as long as it helps them hook-up. Perry's new album fits there, throbbing through the speakers in gay bars and strip clubs.

Musically, it's a decent dance album, I guess. It brings the beats, tinged with '80s influences which is chic with teens these days. The lead single "California Gurls" is a classic summertime jam, despite (or maybe because of) the rap from Snoop Dogg, who sounds like he thought of the words and phoned it in while driving his kids to soccer practice. I'm sure 10s of thousands of teenagers discovered the magic of grind dancing while hopped up on stolen hooch from mom and dad with this song as the soundtrack. "Firework" sounds like it was picked up out of the trash behind Kanye West's house, a reject from 808's And Heartbreaks. "Teenage Dream" pumps the gay bar beat to the extreme, and "ET" offers a new track for strippers tired of the same old Lady GaGa song (Alejandro!).

For Perry, it's not about the beats though. She told Rolling Stone this summer: "I'm not just gonna talk about the beat and just dancing, I like to get into the meaning." Really? The meaning. Katy, maybe you should try listening to Tori Amos or get classic with Joni Mitchell, or stick to the genre and check out Madonna. Instead of reading poetry or listening to artists with real talent, Katy must have watched reruns of Jersey Shore and wrote about The Situation and Snooki. I've seen more depth in parking lot rain puddles. I've found more meaning on Mountain Dew labels.

This deep music is for the horrifying superficial generation, the popular kids with Crest-white smiles who love High School Musical and think Zac Efron is the coolest. This is depth for the people who think Iraq is a new app for their iPhone, like to tweet about the relationship of KStew and RPattz, and argue the merits of Team Jacob vs. Team Edward with such fervor you would think it was related to national healthcare policy or the current economic recession.

Perry explores the shallow depths of partying too much, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)," produces a raunchy cheerleader rant in her ode to male genitalia, "Peacock," and cries about the boy "who got away." On that song, she commits an unforgiveable sin with the line: "Making out in your Mustang while listening to Radiohead." Note: Thom Yorke should beat you to death with your own blue wig for daring to evoke his band's name. The only redemption - and it is so tiny - is the Pat Benatar-ish "Circle The Drain" where she describes the emotions of being in a relationship with an addict, and yet, she delivers the lines with an edge, even if the words sound like she just watched a Lifetime movie on the subject.

This is depth to Katy Perry, "I'm gonna get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans/Be your teenage dream tonight." Take superficial comments about sex, love, war(?), and addiction, mix with a little shock value ("You make me feel like I'm losing my virginity ever time you're touching me") and stir in street cred and you get a Teenage Dream.

Kids can't be this shallow. Can they? Maybe that's what's wrong with our country. We make Lindsay Lohan famous for being a drug addict, Paris Hilton for being...uh, rich? As we continue to make the superficial reign, allow our children to grow up listening to this trash, can we really be surprised when all they want to do is party and act like extras from Jersey Shore?

A word to the wise Katy Perry, the next time you're looking to reach some depth, you and hubby Russell Brand should get on a submarine and, when you reach the bottom of the ocean, open the hatch.

Rating: 2/10