Greensburg —
I hoped this week that when our new carpet arrived, I'd get an idea for a column, but the process was uneventful.
I kept trying to make the installers laugh, but they pretty much just stared at the floor. The Olympics are over, so it's too late for my jokes about the Uzbekistan/Bulgaria field hockey match.
The presidential election is always good for humor. Four years ago, I watched a lot of TV coverage of the contest, but at the time nothing funny occurred to me, so I'm not optimistic this year. Occurring is exactly what the great humorists like Jon Stewart and Jerry Seinfeld have to do. They walk around the house, office, or supermarket, or read a newspaper until something occurs to them. Great humorists have always done this. Maybe it never occurred to you.
I decided to start occurring in the basement.
I really shouldn't call it a basement. When we moved in the house, it was a basement, but we spent $15,000 to "finish" it. Actually, we finished 75 percent of the basement and left 25 percent for storage. It occurred to me that the 75 percent we finished was being used the exact same way as the 25 percent for storage. And then it occurred to me that I blew fifteen grand. I decided to go upstairs. Two occurrences were more than I could afford.
As I entered the laundry room, it occurred to me that the kitty litter needed changing. Then it occurred to me that I really don't like cats. It's my wife who loves the cats, yet it's my job to change the litter. It never occurred to me before just how unfair this was. You can learn a lot about your marriage when you start occurring.
Attics are always full of interesting artifacts that bring back memories. I could rummage around the attic, try on some old clothes, look at scrapbooks and read through old letters. Something funny would certainly occur to me there. This seemed like the perfect plan. Then it occurred to me: We don't have an attic.
My wife suggested I go out to the garage for an occurrence. "Dick, don't you see what a disgusting mess it is, filled with old empty paint cans, floor mats, rusty tools, decayed fertilizer, animal droppings and dry-rotted automobile tires? Doesn't it make you realize how desperately you need to clean it up?"
"Sorry, it never occurred to me."
I was getting desperate. My plan had failed. I was doing a heck of a lot of occurring, yet it was all essentially humorless.
But there was one place I had not yet occurred Ñ a place just ripe for a funny occurrence: The kitchen. I raced into the room and swung open the refrigerator door.
Suddenly, dozens of good things started occurring to me. It occurred to me how many food items had passed their expiration date; it occurred to me how many tasteless non-fat foods were in our fridge; it occurred to me how many empty containers were on the shelves. I was in heaven. I told my wife all my funny occurrences.
"That's great, Dick. But Dave Barry, Art Buchwald, Andy Rooney, and Jerry Seinfeld have already written about that very topic. In fact, if I remember correctly, so have you."
Yes, I was having trouble occurring, so I simply "reoccurred."
Columns
Wolfsie: Strange occurrences
- Columns
-
-
Camp Lejuene vets may be entitled to medical assistance
Last year, on Aug. 6, President Obama signed into law the “Honoring America’s Veterans and Caring for Camp Lejeune Families Act of 2012.”
-
The mound builders of the Woodland Period
About 1000 B.C. marks the beginning of a new period for man in North America.
-
Fit for a king, priced for the common man
In the early 1900’s the art glass market was ruled by the Tiffany family.
-
The Old Copper Indians
The Old Copper Indians, were a unique division of Boreal Archaic, so named because its Indian carriers used raw copper for making specific kinds of knives, spear ponts, socketed axes, gouges, pikes and awls.
-
Home remedies, recipes and the best time to plant your garden
Unique in it’s contents and inexplicably accurate, the “Old Farmer’s Almanac” stands as the oldest continuously published periodical in North America.
-
June flowers on the way?
It looks like the April showers are carrying into May.
-
Historic bar and World War II slave labor
You may remember Tom Keating, who for several years wrote an Indianapolis Star column.
-
Hoosier soil on veterans’ graves
Butch Kennedy and his son Shane did something rather marvelous. When the two were going to Europe some years ago they dug up some Indiana earth from around his land at Smith’s Crossing and took it with them to Europe.
-
The post-war trials of WWI vets
It is appropriate to remember that the United States entered World War I 96 years ago this month, that the Civil War began 152 years ago this month, and that the Desert Storm Cease Fire was this month in 1991.
-
A positive minute: What a time
As I write these words this morning I am also listening to Boston police communications.
- More Columns Headlines
-
Camp Lejuene vets may be entitled to medical assistance
Probe Begins After Conn. Commuter Trains Crash
NTSB Begins Investigation Into Conn. Train Crash
Lotto Fever Sweeps the Country
Conn. Commuter Trains Collide; 60 Go to Hospital
Coffee Run Leads to Hatchet Hitchhiker Arrest
Fmr. IRS Head Insists No Politics in Targeting
CDC: Fecal Bacteria Common in Swimming Pools
$1 Million in Jewels Stolen at Cannes Film Fest
NM Mom Chases Down Child Abductor
Raw: Crash Sends Car Into Fla. Pool
Raw: Obama Sits Down With Elementary Kids
Raw: Bear Falls From Tampa Tree
Ousted IRS Chief: Errors Not Caused by Politics
Terror Suspect Due in Court in Idaho Friday
Raw: Driver Ejected From Truck, Over Bridge
Could Tobacco Be the Next Biofuel?
Wash. State Releases Draft Rules for Legal Pot
Dying Man's Blinks Lead to Murder Conviction
Officials: Texas Tornado Likely Had 200 Mph Wind
Brothers Arrested in NOLA Parade Shooting
